/kind/ - Random Acts of Kindness

I can see myself killing myself within the next few years. I know why. I'm afraid I will be all alone for the rest of my life. And if that continues on for the next couple years, I will lose all hope.
I don't know how to make friends, the long lasting kind, the close kind. What I see as what I have right now, and all that I will have in the future, is no close friends, no lover, just surface level relations with people and my lonely self. I wasn't like this before. I didn't care about human relations. I was happy in my room, tapping away at my keys, making stupid niche software that only I needed for my own personal use.
Though, even back then, somewhere in me, I knew I had to stop doing that eventually. My family wasn't so well off that the generational wealth could sustain a hikineet for life. I knew I had to get out into the real world, interact with people, earn income, learn to live on my own. Naively, I figured it wouldn't be so hard. I just need to be welcoming towards strangers and I can get by with my own life without trouble.
About a year ago, I moved to a different state, thought I'd start life anew. But now I feel the loneliness in my ways, and even more so the fear of it going on for the rest of my life.
I think I know what's stopping me from having friends, I don't hang out with people that are around me. I'd rather be in my room, in front of the computer. I don't care about having friends that will make me compromise. That's the other thing, I'm not willing to compromise for people, friends. If they're not "up to my standards", then I don't want to be with them. As simple as that. And I plan to stick with that.






Venting, or expressing your feelings with words, really is a good way to get a proper look at yourself and assess one's current situation. As retarded and annoying as it sounds, I'm just love-struck. I don't care for a single soul in the world, but am unreasonably obsessed with that single soul that my mind has grown attached to. And the fear of not being with them is what's keeping me up all night. Haven't felt this in decades. It was not the fact that I might "not have friends all my life". Fuck close friends that I need to change my ways to be with. I don't want them.
But I guess, it'd be impossible to start interacting with a single person on a deep level, if all your life you've avoided deep interactions with anyone. That's one thing I need to build on. I might not be able to achieve what I want right now, in this stage of my life. But even if I don't get it, I need to have hope that there will be other chances, and learn from my current self, in order to let my future self not miss said chances. That being said, I do not plan on giving up on my current self either. Need to overcome my fear of rejection.
Time to say fuck it and go ball.
This has been a helpful venting session, thank you /kind/.