I can count the days I on one hand, on which I was completely sober in recent years. I've tried to stop several times, but then I realize how depressed I am, become apathic towards my goal of improving and ultimately can't break the habit.
Chronic alcohol use changes the effects and perception of the substance. Nowadays I dislike drinking in company and prefer to lose myself in numbed melancholy. It's a bittersweet sensation, a faint spark, a nostalgic memory of something, that once was like beautiful fireworks. The magic is dead and I am the one who killed it.